Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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