i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
