Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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