feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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