Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
