JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
