that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
