nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
