I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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