im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
