My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
