someone get that fucking seahorse.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
