Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
