If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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