my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
