I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
