You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
one might say we're banned from that church
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
