it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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