I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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