Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
