So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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