They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
