Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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