You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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