I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
