do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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