So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize