My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
