in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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