Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
