i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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