i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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