i don't plan on having that self control this summer
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
