She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
