Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
