I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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