I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize