He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
accomplished twins. life is a go
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
