dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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