We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
