The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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