I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
