why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
