last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
