no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
