I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
