so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
