so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
