I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
