Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
