I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
