You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
