I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
