I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
