You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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