Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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