so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Randomize
